We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
