I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
