I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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