Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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