My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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