so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
