Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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