omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so explain again why im purple
no
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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