im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
