Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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