She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
