I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
