***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
