That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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