I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize