I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize