I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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