if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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