nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
