there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
