I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
