Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
