Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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