Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
