You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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