I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
