I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
