just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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