I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
