I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
