I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
