just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Two words: blizzard sex
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize