I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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