I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
