No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
