Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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