Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
