Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
