just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
