On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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