....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
