Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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