in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
