god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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