I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The best revenge is premature balding
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
