All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
