Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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