My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
