dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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