Where did you get a picture of my penis
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
