I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
