I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
