Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
