do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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