my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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