So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
