You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
