Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
