so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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